Dealing with Death
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Dealing with Death In this modern world, we have plenty to say about living, but rather less to say about dying. We often try to hide its presence among us, calling it things like kicking the bucket, passing away, passing on, and so on. Often people who suspect that they are ill will delay going to the doctor because they don’t want to be told that their life is in danger or coming to an end. Real death is not shown on the tv. And we romanticise it talking about people becoming angels or one of the stars in the heavens. The reality is that death is difficult to deal with. We here at St Giles are happy to offer you our help and support, whether or not you or your loved ones are members of the church. Please read on. An approaching death If you know that death is going to happen, to you or to a loved one, do feel free to ring the Vicar. He will offer to visit you and he will sit with you to talk through anything you feel is important. If your loved one would like to receive the bread and wine of communion at home (and some people find this comforting and helpful) just ask. If your loved one knows he or she is dying, it might be an idea to talk through what might be in the service. This might include
When death has happened What you have to do 1. Get a medical certificate (from doctor or hospital). You can’t register the death until you have that. (It gets more complicated if the death is reported to a coroner. You can’t then register the death until the coroner gives permission. 2. Register the death – within five days of the death. Best to take someone with you. 3. Arrange the funeral. You can use a funeral director or do it yourself. Funeral Directors There is a big industry surrounding death and funerals. After all, death is just about the only certain thing in life, and as the population increases, so does the number of funerals. A funeral director is going to be one of the first people you call following a death. The funeral director can manage almost every part of what happens. Unless you find that you simply have to keep active and organising, you should let your funeral director take the strain. Will it automatically be a religious funeral? Remember that funeral directors are businesses. They exist to make a profit, and those profits are increased when they provide their own officiant for a service in a town cemetery or crematorium. Some are simply defaulting to non-religious services, not deliberately involving the church and not automatically giving choice. If you want your loved one to have a church funeral, say so, and don’t be shy. Types of event locally
These can be combined with a separate memorial service Burial or Cremation. Cremation is rather more common than burial these days – 75%/25%. Many church graveyards (especially in the towns) are full (indeed, the St Giles’ graveyard is very nearly full) and of course a cremation uses less valuable space. But there is something quite special about being able to carry on visiting the grave of a loved one in a beautiful setting. Days and Times for funerals Crematorium Monday to Friday 8.30 to 5.00; Saturday too, though it costs more. Church Monday to Saturday all day. It might also be possible to do a funeral on a Sunday afternoon if the funeral director is willing. How much does it all cost? According to one funeral provider the average cost of a funeral in this area is about £4200, with a cremation rather less, PLUS extras for extra cars, flowers, the wake, viewing of the body and a headstone. As part of these the Forest of Dean crematorium will have changed just over £900, plus extra for a longer service or for a Saturday service, and a church will have charged about £620 for a funeral and burial. Why do we have to pay at all? Shouldn’t it be free? In an ideal world, it would be free, and indeed it is for children, but funeral directors, gravediggers, stonemasons and the like are businesses and churches are really charities. None receive any money from government and church finances are always ‘on the edge’. When you bury someone the cost is supposed to reflect, somehow, the cost of maintaining the churchyard for the next few hundred years. How much time do we have? Crematorium Half an hour (£225 per extra half hour, and it must be booked). The crematorium seats about 100 people. Church Unlimited. The church at Goodrich seats about 160 people. Sensible or wacky? If you want to have your loved one’s funeral in a golf course, a zoo, a night club or a barn you can. You can tell people to turn up in party hats, wearing multicoloured outfits etc. If you want to use the ashes to be part of a tattoo or sprinkle them from a hot air balloon, you can. And it is certainly good to make a funeral the celebration of a life well lived. The danger is that the event just becomes shallow, meaningless and infantile, a tasteless way of trying to deflect grief. If you have a Christian funeral you can, actually, make it informal, and even have lots of humour, but still ensure that the event gives due dignity, makes some sense of the pain you feel, and places your loved one’s life in the context of eternity and God’s love for us. We can be pretty flexible in church. Charitable fundraising A funeral is a good opportunity to raise money for a favourite charity or a local hospital. The rules state that all monies taken in church must go through the church’s books, and the benefice policy is that whatever is taken in church should be split between the church and a charity. The Wake Most families have a get together afterwards for the mourners to gather and chat. Usually there are refreshments – a cuppa at minimum and a full buffet at maximum You might like to think about…
Graves and Headstones
Down to earth thinking about dying and death.
Don’t suffer in silence. Get help. Christian thinking about dying and death
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